day 2

day 2 into my crazy week, and it has been nothing but humbling. 

umpiring course was both interesting and boring at the same time. interesting because there are so many finer details in umpiring that players never know. because i mean technically we are trained not to make those mistakes, so unless it's by chance, we would never know these mistakes existed. 
it makes me afraid though, of umpiring. because i may not remember the finer details and may not recognize it when it would make all the difference in the world. 

match today against NTU. 
i didn't get to play. i mean i saw that coming, but i didn't anticipate the feelings that would come with that. 
it's a disappointment that i have with myself, that i haven't been performing well in normal trainings to earn that spot in the 7. it makes me wonder if i would ever be good enough to play at this level. 
looking at the other team, i came to realise that i should accept the fact that SMU's niche is not in sports. we dont have the facilities and culture to do well in sports. 

i dont' know. i'm a mixture of feelings now. i know i won't be able to sleep tonight. yet i also wont' be able to study for thursday's test. 
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

crazy week

so i'm finally gonna do my umpiring course. after thinking about it since pri 6, and taking action only in april this year, and after two postponements on NS's side. gosh, why didn't i do it earlier? 
BUT it couldn't have come at the worse timing. on week 7 when it's hell week??? 

and therefore my schedule for this week: 
monday night: umpiring course
tuesday night: match against NTU
wedesday night: umpiring course
thursday morning: marketing midterms 
thursday night: match against SMU
saturday morning: MS midterms 

this is excluding all meetings and what not. =x =x =x 

how is me gonna survive??? 
actually it isn't too bad, just that i need to get alot alot of sleep. 

so let's go. at the end of the week there shall be a BBQ at the boyfriend's house which would be a reward after this hectic week. love the bf! :D 
  • Current Mood
    crazy crazy

of a bad morning and girlfriends

had a terrible morning. 
because it was raining, i have been extremely tired because of sch, training and work [when i get to work]. didn't help that my ankle, knee and wrist [all on the left side of my body], and back are all aching. 

first two quizes have been self-diappointing. below average both. one worse than below average, like far worse. hate people who don't study and score better than me. 
two midterms next week and bloody hell i need to start studying. 

okay. rants over. 

met the girls at marmalade pantry, ion, for a short meet up before ling returns to the UK. it was a good time! the good old days where nothing much has really changed; apparently i'm still scolding chang like a mummy, chang still eats alot of our food, jing still loves her desserts, and ling  is still rich. hahahs. 
i miss hanging out with them more often [like in between class] and laughing ourselves silly over bimbotic comments. 



miss JC days like crap. 
  • Current Mood
    tired tired

non existent confidence

after a "life is good" post, i'm back for a "i suck" post. 

MA test was shit, quite honestly, and i'm so screwed for tmrw's marketing quiz too. 
it's only 8% and 5% jen. 
not convincing. :( 

and honestly, i dunno why even though my shooting percentage is so bloody non-existent, why do coaches still put me as a shooter. i mean yes i enjoy working in the circle and everything, but i can't bloody convert, even worse under pressure. don't i already know from my 8 years of being a shooter that i honestly is the worst shooter around?
still i'm not fast enough to be a wing. and currently not enough stamina to play ga. 
wtf am i doing, what do i wanna do? 

i need to think more on court, too much based on feel right now. 
play more to my strengths, of which height is not one of them. 
need to shoot more, and envision my shots getting in more. have more confidence, less pressure. 

i need to think more positively, in every area of my life. 

for now, it's a fact that i suck.
  • Current Mood
    drained drained

week 5

life has been good 
life at home has been good, the mother's extended holiday at home hasn't been too bad. :D 
been spending time with the bf and fam,
been watching my weight and therefore losing weight,
been training netball and therefore also losing weight, 
been studying more than last sem, so even if i feel helpless during my test i know i've done my best, 
been spending quality time with friends that matter.
:) 

but i'm still struggling with some issues 
mostly about my abilities to perform in different areas of my life 
about my ego also probably 
and self discipline issues. 

i need a one day break from studying, but that probably doesn't come until friday. 
  • Current Mood
    busy busy

9/11

watching the documentaries on 9/11 really makes you think alot. 
i wonder how the survivors feel. 
i wonder how relatives of those who died feel. 
i wonder about the relatives of those who were only in the tower for a day. 
i wonder about those who took leave that day. 
i wonder how superiors of the rescue team would feel about having sent their men into the building. 
i wonder about the people on the plane. 
i wonder what the government thinks. 

the most important thing, is that it shook me to realise again, never to take things for granted. to treasure your loved ones because you will never know what tmrw will bring. 

the fragility of life. 
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

(no subject)

i'm not a very good blogger. i generally tend to blog when i have issues, or to get bad stuff off my chest. i rarely post about happy things, i'm selfish that way i think. 

anyway, i think i'm finally ready to deal with this issue though i may not have a conclusion. i am gonna try and deal with the issue that i cannot, and never will be, a good netball player. 
i mean i was okay up until sec 2. and then it seemed like everyone was still growing and i stopped like in p6. and it seemed like everyone could run faster than me, endure longer than me. i dont know if it's a determination issue [which i highly suspect], or if it's the physiological differences. why is it that everyone else doesn't seem to pant as hard as me even though we're doing the same drill? why is it that their legs move faster, and their passes are harder? is it because i'm lazy, too fat or i've just reached the limits of what my body can do? 

i've always enjoyed playing the game and this is why i've gone back to playing after i've stopped for two years. watching others play make me feel like wanting to play again. however, now that the real training has started, i'm starting to doubt myself again. it seems like i'm much slower than the rest, and i can't endure as long. sure i try to push myself, but my legs just plain wouldn't move. 

i think i have to start to accept the fact that i would never be as fast as the other players, i would never outlast the other players in terms of playing time, and i would never be the coach's first choice player for any position. 

i dont know if i should just resign to the fact that i'm just not built for netball physiologically, or if i should train my ass off to get a position on the starting 7. which means alot of hardwork and self-training and determination, which in recent years i've found lacking from my personality. 
maybe it is the jack of all trades, master of none thing that i've come to think of myself as in the past year after going through year 1. like i can do sports - i have hand eye coordination; i can sing - i can hear and pitch better than some; i can dance - again, hand leg coordination and music sense; but i'm never the best at any of these things. perhaps it is this that is leading me to think that i don't have to try my guts out for anything because i will never be as good as others in that field. or perhaps i'm just giving myself an excuse. 

i think i'm gonna try to train for a while. and give myself sunig to think about things. if perhaps i don't see any results from my efforts on court, perhaps it's time to move on: to be a spectator of the sport than a player. to be contented watching and imagining myself playing than really playing. 

i have ego issues that stemmed from my younger days. because when i was young, i was confident that i was better than most in anything that i do. now that it's not the case, i have trouble accepting being second or even third best. 

i need to deal with these issues, if not i'll start being content with mediocre. yet again, is being mediocre bad?

you can tell, i'm extremely confused. ive been thinking about two of the many issues above for the past 2 years, and i haven't come to a conclusion yet. 

we'll see. 
  • Current Mood
    confused confused

first car crash

my first car accident experience. no not a little bump from the person behind nor to the person in front. it was a major crash that squashed the car by about 1/5. the boot and doors were jammed, and the engine might possibly be damaged too. who knows if i'll get the car back. 
all i can say is that i thank god that my mother and i are both okay, albeit suffering from extreme muscle aches and brusies; and that my grannie wasn't in the car with us at that time. 

i don't know how this incident has affect me, i know i was stoned after i reached home and done the neccesary things that night. and the day after i was still a little stoned until the mother made me sleep the whole afternoon. the mother had more of an immediate reaction to the accident, more on site, while mine was more delayed. and i guess, to a certain degree we both had worried others. 

i am thankful that the boyfriend came down to be with my mum and i after it happened.

and i can only say again, i'm thankful that no major injuries happened. 

i wished i never had to drive again. 
  • Current Mood
    scared scared

(no subject)

my life now revolves around family, boyfriend, school, work and going malaysia. ahahas. i should include studying to my list soon. 
since the mother stopped working, we've been going to malaysia quite a bit. while i enjoy going there, and even get an adrenaline rush fending off idiots who try and cut my lane at the causeway, i can't help but wonder how much more studying i could have done if i hadn't gone. 

the presidential elections are over and to be honest, i don't mind either of the top two winning. and i don't understand why singaporeans are so unhappy with the government who has done so much to build us up. since the GE, many have been complaining about our government. i feel that compared to other countries, our government has been doing an amazing job already. no government, alike people, is perfect. for all the good things they have done, i am ready to overlook the flaws. 
i just hope our stability won't be compromised just because of our complaining nature. 

friendships are such fragile things, one wrong word, one wrong message, one wrong conversation can kill everything. but you know, true friends tell each other the truth. and if you cannot handle it, then i'm afraid i'm also ready to give up our friendship. 

i enjoyed my saturday afternoon. :) 
  • Current Mood
    thoughtful thoughtful